Dark Days Of My Life
Written by casey
This one is about the second time I committed suicide, or rather tried to commit suicide. So I was about 15 or 16 and my same sex cousin had stopped molesting me. (that’s a story for another time) My brother cousin and some other people were there. My mom dad and aunt had gone to the boat. They were being mean to me as usual and I was already depressed. I was tired of them being mean and poking fun at me so I locked myself in my mom and dad’s room. I went in there to get away from them and read a good book; they had a water bed that I was in love with. I snuggled in and started reading, I could hear them laughing and drinking, I hated them.
Now being 15 or 16 I was a little nosey. I started looking around in my parents headboard, there was a secret compartment, and mixed in with the dildos and porn (GROSS!) was my dad’s old six shooter. I tried to kill myself the first time when I was 12 or 13, but not really knowing anything about drugs I took about 80 aspirin and drank a beer. It didn’t work. DUH. So seeing the gun I thought my chances were pretty good this time. I sat there a while looking at it playing with it. I checked and rechecked the bullets. All six were in there. I could still hear them laughing and shouting obscene things at me through the door. God I hate them. I had thought of opening the door and shooting all of them. In my head I killed them all except my cousin I saved him for last. In my head He ran from me and I shot his knee caps out. In my head as he lay there bleeding and begging for forgiveness I was empowered and shot his arms. In my head I shouted at him telling him about all the pain he put me through. Then I shot him in the penis and finally the head. Then I snapped back to cold reality.
They were banging on the door again and I raised the gun. I put it to my right temple, and cocked it. I was crying really hard by this point and just wanted it to end. God I hate them so much. So in my darkest hour in the darkest place in my mind I pulled the trigger.
I’ll never forget the sound the gun made as the hammer hit home. It was a click that sounded heavy. They had went outside by this time or passed out ,I don’t know or care either way. It was the thick ugly click and silence. The bullet had not left the chamber. I was scared and shocked. Why had the bullet not fired like it was supposed to? Why had the gun failed me? I don’t know if I was in shock, or just felt numb as I stared at the gun. Sometime passed and I put the gun back careful not to disturb the porn and dildos (GROSS) and just sat there in my parents bed sobbing.
When I was sure they had either left or went to bed I unlocked the door and re snuggled in the bed. After about an hour of sobbing I fell asleep and dreamed of what my parents, friends, and family would have done. My parents would have found me. They would have come in to the blood and brains on the walls. They would have been the ones to really suffer. I dreamed they would have had a funeral and my friends and rest of the family would have come to say, "The poor thing couldn’t have had it that bad", but what do they know?
Well, for all you happy ending seekers out there, you’re looking in the wrong place. I am glad the gun failed in a way. Then again in another way I’m sorry it didn’t. I just wonder why it failed. Well at any rate it’s been about 11 years since that dark day in my life. One day my life will be over whether by my hand or someone or something else. I look forward to it. This life is filled with sorrow and misery for me. I hope I come back as a turtle or bird something like that. Something loved by everyone maybe a monkey!
I guess the lesson is let no one get you so far down that you think there’s no way out. Looking back now I wish I had told someone or fought back, I was weak and now I’m paying for it. Stay strong friends and live like there’s no tomorrow!
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