Story Peeps Change Lives

PTSD: 40 Years Of Inner Pain

Member: Harryangstom

Here is my hang up in a nutshell. I am a 60 year old guy who is still haunted by the war. The Vietnam War. So why would I have to keep that a secret? Because I do not want to burden my family and  loved ones with the thoughts of knowing that I am still suffering from the war.

Doesn’t sound so bad, does it. Maybe just being able to write the little bit I have already written will help my head.

I am diagnosed and compensated for PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) by the VA. I am not new to writing. I have been published many times, even in children’s school books and Playboy Magazine. So again, what is the problem? The problem is that I thought that I would be cured of my PTSD after all these years. I still think about, have intrusive thoughts come into my head every single day about Vietnam and the war. When I keep the thoughts to myself and not talk them out, then I find myself getting depressed thinking I am still screwed up and will be for the rest of my life. And when I talk about Vietnam out loud to people I know the war was more than 40 years ago for me, and people must look at me as damaged goods. Even guys at the Veterans Outreach rap group I go to know I am wacked. But I know when I use to write about my experiences in Vietnam I felt better. My family didn’t. They hoped that by writing I would “get over” Vietnam. Hasn’t happened. Not even medication gets me over. Not even $2,832 a month from the VA helps. But I am hoping that sharing here will help and at the same time, not pull my family down.

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0 #6 PTSD — DMH 2011-05-31 07:19

My father is a Marine and was in Vietnam as well. You are the same age. For 37 years I have watched him carry this with him. I would never say that I know how you feel because I could never truly wrap my head around it. I know that it has left my father a broken man, and he struggles everyday to break through. I know you will never cure those thoughts, but I hope you continue to write and it brings you a little solace.

Thank you for your service to this country and all of the sacrifices you made so that I would have a chance to write this. You paid a dear price for the life I am able to lead and, although most people will never truly get it, know that you will remain a hero for those of us who love a veteran too. I will always be honored by your bravery and selflessness and your belief in the American flag.

God bless you, sir.

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0 #5 experiences — southernboy22 2011-03-24 09:24

I can understand your pain as I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD. No one can understand the pain that soldiers will endure their whole life. Medicine doesn't cure, counseling only helps deal with the many issues. The general public only knows 1 % of how it affects the soldiers and their loved ones/families.

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0 #4 PTSD — Betty J 2011-02-25 13:55

I've been alive as long as you have been in pain. 40 years. Writing things out definitely easier on others than discussing elephants in the room. Compartmentaliz ing pain and its root is a necessity to move past the details that rub and gnaw every day function into non function. Stepping backwards to see the bigger picture, even from a different angle in the room also a necessity to move even laterally...
anything but backwards.

Details will haunt forever, processing them without personalizing...
allowing your brain to file each ragged memory into its place of safe keeping a must to ride the rift in any stable manner.

I am not a victim of war or any other crime. I choose not to see myself as the child wounded too young, or as the wife who endured seven years of "duty"... or as the 40 year old woman who struggles with intimacy on any level. Unlearning numb. No details, no regrets. I look forward to the me I will be, for without intense pain there can not be intense beauty.

I hope and pray this year be beautiful beyond measure.
Betty J

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0 #3 RE: PTSD: 40 Years Of Inner Pain — Harryangstom 2010-09-24 10:27

Quoting badseed84:

it is ok, I know how u feel...I a, haunted in my mind about things that I can not even begin to convey on here,but if u ever want to talk...I'm here and I'm a 25 y/o female who suffers from ptsd as well as bi-polar. Whom is not compensated for it. lol!

Thank you

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0 #2 RE: PTSD: 40 Years Of Inner Pain — kobra000 2010-08-23 05:09

I commend you for talking about your experiences,My father was in Vietnam,he was diagnosed with PTSD as well as harm from agent orange exposure,someti mes its hard for him,there are days where i cant talk to him at all,and other days where he talks at length about what happened over there,things that just blow me away,but things i also know are very hard for him to let go.im going to let him read this and your other post,hopefully it will let him know that hes not alone.
thank you for posting sir.

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0 #1 RE: PTSD: 40 Years Of Inner Pain — badseed84 2010-08-19 10:40

it is ok, I know how u feel...I a, haunted in my mind about things that I can not even begin to convey on here,but if u ever want to talk...I'm here and I'm a 25 y/o female who suffers from ptsd as well as bi-polar. Whom is not compensated for it. lol!

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