Story Peeps Change Lives

Anxiety Has Taken Over My Life!

Member: sweetsgirl

Living in fear is almost like not living at all. With every waking moment consumed with the what ifs. You barely have time to enjoy your life and think about the possiblilities. I live my life in constant fear of the unknown, or maybe its knowing too much.

I constantly feel as though i'm drowning in a sea of panic. I wake at night gasping for air, my heart beating out of my chest. Jumping up out of the bed to try and get help. I look around the house is quiet. My fight or flight instinct kicks in. I have to go to the hospital. I try to drink a sip of water. Breathe I tell myself. Just breathe, 1-2-3-4, I count SLOW I say after I inhale. 1-2-3-4 DOWN I say with a deep exhale. A little technique I picked up from a therapist that I briefly saw. If I say aloud affirmations and talk to my brain and body it will listen.

Okay this is not working. I think i'm having a heart attack, or maybe this time its a stroke or aneurysm. I don't exactly understand how I got where I am today. I thought I could pin point when it started but honestlty I think i've always lived my life like this. I can remember me being as young as five. I grew up in a big city. We had subway trains and elevators, crowds, heights or anything else you might attach a phobia too. No, im not scared of all of those things, but three out of four is cutting it pretty close.

I walk into the building holding my mothers hand, we stop at the elevator. I begin to panic, she steps on and drags me behind her. I get pale and start to pass out. Or the time my grandmother takes me to the empire state building. By now everyone new I would freak if I had to get on an elevator. My grandmother decides to leave out that little detail. We walk into the building and right up to my "monster". The feeling of panic hits me almost immediately. I start to sweat, I feel the warm tears start to flow down my cheek as my grandmother assures me we will only be going a few floors. All the way up we went. No I didn't die from my fears that day but I sure felt like I was. That was the first of many times where I felt as though I would lose my mind. 

The anxiety attacks I suffer from now are usually based on my fear of dying. Mine is not the normal fear fear of dying. I  fixate on the symptoms I have and think each of them is eventually or even at that very moment going to lead me to impending doom. Google has become my new Doctor. I type in my symptoms and self diagnose. It doesn't help that I have worked in the medical field for all of my adult life. 

Now all grown up I have trained myself to do many of the things I was always scared to. I can step onto a train, still with a little panic but as long as i'm in the cart where the conductor is i'm okay. In my crazy mind i've also hatched an escape plan just in case. I can get in an elevator without passing out also. However, once I reach the 10th floor, I can feel my anxiety level start to rise. I can sit in the park and not be in fear that a bug might crawl on me. Yes, really a small little bug would send me into something that looked like a convulsion except i'm up screaming and taking all my clothes off. I can now talk myself out of going to the ER in the wee hours of the morning. With the promise that I have made it through this before and that I will wake the next day. 

Throughout the years as I let go of old fears new ones pop up. I give myself pep talks and remind myself that this is only anxiety. That I am the ruler of my own body and mind. Hopefully one day my mind will pay attention and get the picture that I am in charge.  One day I will overcome my fears and live a full and happy life. One without the constant worry that something bad is going to happen. Until then, I will take it day by day.    

Comments  

 

0 #4 tXGirlJC@yahoo.com — Jeri Coate 2011-03-03 22:03

Hey Sweet girl..I have the same problem with anxiety and depression. I take an anti-depressant called pristiq and a mood stablizer called trileptal. It has really changed my life. I feel normally again. I was so bad I was suffering from psychosis. I was suicidal. You are not alone. Have you ever tried to be put on meds? It really helped me. I know some people are againist taking medicine, but I wouldn't be able to function without it. I think depression/anxiety is worse than diabetes. I wouldn't wanna wish it on anyone. You can ignore diabetes or any other disease, you can't ignore a mental disorder. I wish I could shut my brain down and reboot it maybe it would become normal. Do you have a fear of doctors? I did!! Also when I am on my period it is really bad, the anxiety can't be controlled. That breathing BAD WORD never works. No one in my family understands either, not friends not anyone, unless they have had it. AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY "I'VE DELT WITH DEPRESSION ALL MY LIFE I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN TREATED FOR IT"...THATS BECAUSE THEY'VE NEVER HAD REAL DEPRESSION. There is a difference between normal everyday depression over bills or a death etc.. I have a chemical imbalance that causes me to be clinically depressed for no reason. Therapy wouldn't even work for me. I wish there was a cure, but theres not. I'm just going to keep praying that my meds continue to work. Good luck sweetgirl!!

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0 #3 Trusted Spiritual Confidant — Giselle 2010-06-18 04:40

Hi, Sweetsgirl...

I am currently a life coach specializing in self-awareness and acceptance. You can see my website at http://www.theselfrealizationfoundation.com
Anyways, I suffered with anxiety for many years and I did not want to take prescription drugs for it so I researched it instead and it, eventually, led me to becoming a life coach.
Do you know about "cognitive thinking"...it's learning to realize that you control your mind...your mind does not control you (I think you did allude to it in your story line).
Just like yoga, I think if you find and embrace a sense of spirituality (not any kind of religions)...spirituality in the sense of understanding yourself on the "inside" and realizing that, as human beings, we have the advantage of, not only, our intuition & gut instincts, but also, our minds. When you learn to use and control both, you will find your true self and begin to feel better.
Something to look into...good luck!! :>)

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0 #2 Response to Adley — sweetsgirl 2010-06-05 09:17

Thanks for the info. It does'nt sound off the wall at all. I have actually considered it. I hear it has some great benefits and am looking to start soon.

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+1 #1 in the now — Adley 2010-05-28 10:18

93 SweetsGirl,
This may sound a little off the wall, but have you ever considered Yoga? The reason I bring this up is because it focuses your mind on the now requiring you to pay attention to what you are feeling at the moment. For example, what do your toes feel like when you breathe? Eventually the discipline you can obtain in Yoga can be used in everyday life and I think you might greatly benefit from the idea.

Here is an excellent book that explains it all in great detail: http://www.amazon.com/Yoga-Spirit-Practice-Moving-Stillness/dp/0671534807/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275070677&sr=8-2

These are just my thoughts though.
93, 93/93

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