Story Peeps Change Lives

I Felt So Helpless

Member: Lazrus

I’m ready for it all, I guess you can call me a soldier of life.

There’s been times in my life where I felt so helpless, I wanted to take my own life.

There’s been times in my life where I felt so betrayed.

There’s been times in my life when everything went horribly wrong.

There’s been times in my life where I couldn’t see any light at all.

Since I’m still here struggling with all my brothers and sisters, I would like to say this:

I know what it’s like to be made fun of; I know what it’s like to feel unwanted. I know how lost we all feel at times. And life is definitely not easy, it certainly wasn’t for me.

The truth is we all have our moments when we feel like no one understands us. We all feel stupid and little in certain moments of our lives. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to find a person that could help me make my life easier, and instead I was betrayed, put down, stepped on, made fun of, and discarded.

I’m not saying my life was harder than yours, because in fact I really don’t know. All I’m saying is that there was one thing in every horrible moment that got me through to see the next day, and that was my hope that somehow God will help me.

 Positive thinking helped a lot but the struggles got harder and the consequences from my previous actions tormented me to exhaustion. I know you, because I know myself and I also know that underneath all the acts we portray, we are all the same.

I know that as your reading this, you really understand it because we all relate to the struggles of life. It’s easy to rely on drugs to get us by and I know this, because I had my own addictive habits that seemed to get me by. The effects of our addictions are short lived and soon we crave more, and more release from our life. We crave more freedom from who we actually think we are.

The best route that I have learned to take in my life’s’ journey is to stop defending myself to myself and  to others and undertake the any humility that awaits. Who is it that we think we are today? Are we really that person or is that what we want the people around us to believe?

I’ve been a liar, a thief, a bully,  an angel, a light of hope, a dark force, an intimidator, a wimp, a superman, a dummy, a genius, a hero, a loser, a pot head, an alcoholic,  stingy,   and generous;  you name it I’ve been them all and I’m no longer afraid to admit it. Screw it, no is perfect, so why not admit our wrongs and move on instead of pretending that we never did anything wrong.

We are not born with halos over our head, it’s time to admit at least to ourselves that we’ve been this and that, but it doesn’t define us forever. Trust me it is a definite start. 

Friends come and go, relationships come and go. It’s easier to quit things then to keep pursuing them. It’s easier to smoke a blunt then to do your work or go to work. It’s easier to pretend that everything is ok, when really its all messed up. It’s easy to pretend you’re not offended by someone’s comments, then to stand up for yourself. It’s easier to lie than tell the truth. It’s easier doing the same old thing, then trying something new. It’s easier to keep fearing your fears, then to overcome them. It’s easier to talk smack about other people, then to look at yourself instead. It’s easier to hate than to love, it’s easier to give in, then to struggle.

Trust me what’s easy is definitely not what’s always best for you. My life was pretty strange and sad for the majority of my lifetime and most of it was due to doing what was easier, instead of what needed to be done. One day after getting betrayed by someone who I thought was the only person in the whole world that loved and understood me, I prayed in tears to God to either help me or kill me, because I have not seen any good yet.
The next day I had an Epiphany that made me realize that I can make changes in my life, and I can do things in my life that I will enjoy. It was not easy in the least bit to change but I did! In fact it was the hardest thing I ever decided to do. I’m still here, struggling, hoping, praying, meditating, wishing, and working on creating the life I always wanted. The good news is that it’s paying off, the obviously bad news is that it’s really hard sometimes.
I hope your life is easier than mine, and I do not wish any of my struggles onto anyone. I’m paying and paid some pretty hefty dues for my past mistakes, but I keep experiencing bits of hope and goodness along my journey too.
Believe it or not, we all are great geniuses, we all have great wisdom waiting to come out, we all have a purpose that once you realize it, it will make you happy for overcoming all the struggles along the way. I just realized my purpose and everything is making more sense, yup all the madness is finally made sense.

There’s a reason for every moment in our lives, but to uncover those reasons, you really have to be intensely curious why you’re really here and what we’re made of. Just remember: I’m a real person, I had and have real struggles,  and I have proven that my strange beliefs have merit.

I’ve been hated on by many all my life, and it all most likely began from some misunderstanding in the first place.  I wrote this because its real and it would have helped me at times in my various stages of life. This letter would have allowed me to face my fears earlier in life. I’m not the Dali Lama, but  the pain in my life let me  see the world in greater depth and it doesn’t matter if you’re eight or eighty reading these words, because they are eternal in nature and written at a time when I felt like speaking from the heart.

The truth in life has never changed because it’s constant, seek the truth and life will become something far greater than you ever imagined. Seek out the leeches in your life and rip away from them. Do what you know is right, and not what you think people expect of you

I really hope that I have helped you see things differently with this letter. I understand that we all need something or someone to keep us going. Whether it’s a belief, a milestone, a hope, the Holy Grail, enlightenment, the force, a goal, a shiny new beach chair or anything else that keeps you ticking; we all need it. Without the need, there would be no struggles in our life, there would only be peace and understanding. Maybe one day we’ll get there, who knows.

 Last words of wisdom from this 28 year old life “Do what’s right, be strong, have faith, and LIVE YOUR LIFE AS IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMMORROW; don’t be the ninety year old that reaches an epiphany on his death bed realizing he could have done everything he dreamed of, but instead he did what was easy, because he was too scared of the struggle. We’re all scared, and there are no guarantees. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you are weak, do what will truly make you happy. Eventually you will get to where you want to be, but I assure ahead of time that it won’t always be an easy journey. Just think, what would be the point of a big reward in life, if you didn’t have to take a huge risk…