Forever In Love With A Girl That Doesnt Exist
I never thought I’d be telling anyone this, let alone the whole world, but for some reason I feel I have to share this have to get it out and known, its either that or let it drive me totally insane.
How do I explain this? How do I describe being in two different worlds at the same time? What do you do when your perception of the difference between those two worlds starts to become a little vague and fuzzy? What do you do when you start to lose just a little bit of what little control you have over your own mind to something that you created in your mind?
I dream of her almost all the time now, the long sexy vibrant red hair, those luminescent deep deep blue eyes that have lightning in them, the petite almost frail but voluptuous body that when I close my eyes I can actually feel! In my arms, No detail is too small or too large escapes my attention. Things like where she’s from, where she went to high school, what her middle name is, what her past relationships were like, guess it all adds to the realism, and the thing is some of the stuff I don’t even pick, it’s almost like its automatic like someone else is choosing it.
I lay there and talk with her every single night, and have since I was 12. Years I've devoted, entire real days spent being with her, and even a summer or two. When I think of her, when I think of lying on the couch and holding her in the meticulously created mental apartment we share, I feel joy, I feel happiness, and a sense of love I have never gotten from a real live flesh and blood women. She’s in my mind constantly, whenever a song or a movie or even a piece of furniture comes to my attention, she will tell me she likes it, as if she’s right there with me standing at my side and we are a real couple.
When I walk by another women in the real world, my mind picks out little things, and automatically assimilates them to her, what this bathing suit would look like on her, how those ear rings would look, how this or that shade of eye shadow would make her eyes sparkle, and I can see it, I can see it as clearly as if I was looking directly into the sun,....I can see her.
When I meet a real women can’t connect to them, it’s like I’m on autopilot there’s a wall there, a massive impenetrable wall.., and it actually hurts that this real women, can’t be the fictional women I want so desperately. Stop? Stop you say? Yeah fat chance of that, when I try to shut it all down it comes back, stronger, richer, more intoxicating and vivid and more intense than anything before and anything by choice. Take the best moment of your life that you ever shared with anyone else, multiply it by a billion, and then ask yourself if you could, or even would shut it off if you had the chance.
Sometimes I think I’m going crazy, or developing a split personality, one that is in conjunction with my primary personality and perhaps even in control over it. I want to stop so badly, to overcome this self inflicted addiction and live and love and be like a normal person, but how can you when it’s the simplest thing to close your eyes and enter a world that it’s the only time in your entire life that you have ever felt alive, wanted, loved, needed, in control and everything’s....perfect?.
Even as I type this, I can hear her calling to me. Calling me to come and lay down on the couch with her and watch TV, to hold her and run my finger tips up and down her smooth bare back the way she likes, the way that makes her smile that sweet sweet smile that drives me crazy, Calling me come and hold her, kiss her, and gently move the hair from in front of her eyes, so that I may stare in them and willing get lost.
Calling me to come and love a girl that doesn’t even exist!
God Help Me!
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Comments
i been trying not to "go there" the past few days since posting this,but its hard,when i dont it i dont know beckons me,with images and scenes and scenarios that are hard to resist.i just so wish you could induce amnesia somehow,if i could forget it all and just reboot and form a new personality and forget everything,it would be a blessing i tell ya.
I'm sure you must feel good just knowing that there are others that can relate and who take you seriously.
If i had to describe this to someone who doesn't understand it, I'd say it's pretty much like when children make up a make believe friend, they get super attached to them and just having them there actually helps them get through life when they need it.
Anyway, even though you are living all this in your mind, the feelings you feel are real and they can get pretty overwhelming but the bottom line is that you do know what is going on, so you are not crazy.
You are wanting to take that step into a real relationship and you may also have a lot of different fears about it all but don't let any fears stop you from taking steps towards the kind of life you want.
For me, regretting not doing something is worse than regretting doing something.
Sorry I'm getting off track here, lol. But the point is, you are on the right track to making some changes, just keep talking so you can have that support when you need it.
i commend you and salute you for having the courage to post what has got to be a very very personal thing for you.
im sorry for it sounding so wierd,i guess that was unavoidable,i went through 20 drafts trying to make it sound right '
before i decided on "write what you feel" method ,but how do you describe what could very well be a form of schizophrenia in a mild and calming manner? lol
Your welcome and its ok nothing you said offended me.a lot of what you said hit the nail right on the head,the thing is Ive done this since i was 12,i guess as a coping mechanism of the sorts cause i had a spastic childhood,movin g around a lot and whatnot,that and i am in no way shape or form good with girls and never really have been. but what else can you do when you have so much to give and nothing to give it to ya know..
i liked how you said i was the director of it and i can shape it and whatnot,that was interesting,bec ause as messed up as it sounds sometimes i think about "her" breaking up with me,cheating on me,just to see how i respond to it and feel sometimes i guess just to feel the pain, like as a form of masochism i dont know its complicated,but your absolutely right it can be painful longing for something like this,been doing it 20 years so i know that very well. but its an "addiction" of the sorts and like most addictions very difficult to break.
Thanks for your comment,definit ely food for though.
sincerely
Kobra000
Everybody has a picture in there minds of the perfect person and if you live long enough with that fantasy or ideal, then of course anyone else who comes along will never measure up. Also, it is a safe relationship because you are the director of it and nothing about it can actually hurt you, except maybe for the fact that you can find your self longing for her all the time and that can hurt a lot i know, but in a real/reality relationship, anything can and will happen and you can't control it.
All people can have an ideal person but there are some who find that they can take it further and live it. It doesn't mean that you have a split personality or anything like that, but like you have noticed, you can choose to live in that other life and actually feel it, and it can be a dependency, which is why it is so hard to let go of it fully.
I appreciate you sharing this because i can relate to it myself and so can many others. So thank you.
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