Lost in Transition: MtF Trans-gender

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transgenderWell basically I've always known I was different. As most, I knew at an early age that I wasn't like most of the other boys. Now, I'm not gay nor am I uber femmy, I just connected more with girls then boys. 

I have my feminine traits I guess. I've had many of my female friends tell me "You're such a girl!"... because my mentality is such. And some of my mannerisms dont help either. I sit like a girl (so I've been told). I have a soft voice for a man. I seem to understand women better then I do my own sex. 

I've never really been manly. In appearance or attitude. Where most of the guys in highschool talked about cars and shop talk, I hung out with the girls talking about hair care. 

For the longest time, I'd use jokes like "Im a male lesbian" and the like. With my first girlfriend right out of highschool, I couldn't grow facial hair to save my life (serious baby face) and my hair was to my waist. One day we were walking down the street and we got whistled at by guys thinking we were a lesbian couple lol Most men would be offended at such a thing, I wasnt. I've been mistaken for a female countless times and rather enjoyed it. 

But like most, I was afraid to be myself, to "come out" as it were. I played the role that I was expected to play being a man. I did the football thing in school (I so sucked! lol) I eventually had a child (guess that comes with being a MALE lesbian eh?) and I got married. 

All of my girlfriends new, or at least assumed something was up with me. A few questioned at times is I was gay or not. "No, just girly." I'd reply. 

I've been hiding myself away from the truth for a very long time and it wasn't until just recently while on youtube I found the courage to admit what I am. So I owe a lot to people like Grishno, Winterwinwin, and minorqback on youtube who published their trials and transition openly. 

I've only just come out to one person who I knew wouldn't judge me. I was kinda shocked by her response "I thought so." She went on about how I'm girly in so many ways and she thought for a long time I was actually gay. 

Im still quite terrified on telling my other friends... and god forbid, my family. I'm already the outcast of a black sheep family. All I need is to come out and be perma-kicked from the family. I tried to tell one of my ex's, she called me a liar basically. 

I dont want to continue feeling like I'm living a lie. But I'm just too damned scared to fully come out. I've considered moving far away one I'm done with college and starting my transition then. But I don't know where to go. I could always go to Frisco, it's only about an hour drive from where I am now.

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Author Profile: xXAidan13Xx

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+1 #1 Hiamane984 2010-12-03 05:40
Hi Aidan,
Hope you are well! :)

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