Story Peeps Change Lives

Is There Something Wrong With Me? Or Am I Just (insert witty adjective)?

Written by Drew

Okay, let me be the first to point out, I'm not down in the dumps or anything like that. I'm not going to hurt myself, or anyone else. So this is not a suicide thread, I would just like other's input.

Now, anyway, a bit about myself, I'm a youngen (about 20), been in the Reserves since I was 17. I was also an alcoholic and drug addict for about 4 years (yes, started at 15 ended at 19). I've had a crisis of faith, explored sexual boundaries, been in life-threatening situations, lost some friends, hung out with the wrong crowd and learned a lot in the past several years. I would like to think that I have found peace within myself, but have I really?

Nothing really fazes me much anymore. Few things make me feel any sort of emotion whatsoever. Anger, joy, love, sorrow, motivation - none of these things come to me very easily anymore. I may just be making mounds out of molehills, but the point is, I don't care about many things anymore. Now, I'm much more of a thinking person, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing now is it?

What sparked this I wonder. Well, there was this woman I was interested in (cute little redhead), so I made a racial joke (which I tend to make on a regular basis, to everyone about everyone, I don't spare anyone, including my own ethnic groups), and she flipped. Thing is, we were talking and we seemed to click until that moment. So then the wheels turned in my head and said to me, "Hey, if this girl can't handle jokes I make on a daily basis, then she probably won't enjoy being around me." Now, considering that I am respectful to everyone's opinions in which they are entitled to, I found it quite ridiculous. And call it hypocritical, but I'm not going to change anything about me for anyone, and I have asked her to change several things. Hear my reasoning though; it was for her own good. She was indecisive, had no goals and I showed her what to do, because it is proven that the idle tend to fail in life (no offense to anyone here). Why won't I change? Because 1. The way I am now, I am more content than I have ever been, 2. If someone won't take me for who I am, then it probably wasn't meant to be. Call me a quitter, but are you really going to look at my experiences and call me that?

If I wanted to fulfill my lust, I could easily go to the nearest bar and play Carpenter all night. But it is very difficult to fulfill love, and I am extremely picky about it. Is that so wrong? There is someone for everyone, and even though cancer runs in my family, I still have the rest of my life to find that one. And I don't want any unnecessary distractions, and being someone who likes to be in the thick of danger, I felt that the best thing for both of us, would be to cut it off (no pun intended). What's more is after that; I felt no regret, and no remorse. You can't go through life living with regrets, you will always fuck up (though some more or less than others), and all you can do is admit that you jacked up and move on. I vow not to make the same mistakes, not just for myself but for the other as well.

For 2 years I felt the weight of guilt for a good friend of mine, we went to training together and he served in the 3rd LAR out of 29 Palms, he deployed 3 weeks after we graduated from School of Infantry in March 15, 2008. I was told by Marines in his unit (forgot their names) that was declared Missing In Action. I know him, and I know that being a grunt in the Marines (especially junior enlisted) generally sucks, but I knew he wouldn't just run away. Considering what insurgents do to prisoners, I'm not getting my hopes up. I knew that I would probably never hear from him again. It tore my heart out, and I am still waiting for him, to this day. I felt guilty that I couldn't save him; I couldn't be there to make sure that he would get snatched up. He was a fighter alright. And it was only a year ago that I realized there was nothing I could do, and I had to move on. So I did. Would he want me to dwell on the past? Certainly not. If we swapped places, I sure as hell wouldn't. I would've told him, there was nothing you could do. I chose my path, and I will accept the consequences of my actions - I knew what I was in for, and my number came up. Which brings me to another philosophy that I live my life on - I strongly believe that there are two kinds of people in this world, those that blame and those that take responsibility. You'll notice that for the most part, those that blame don't get anything or very much accomplished and usually cause all sorts of problems.

Now I have veered off topic. I don't usually open up to people. I've lived in Hawaii for 8 years, and let me tell you, there are very few people you can trust there. Even people I've known since I moved there still surprised me and elected to betray me. I forgive them for whatever reason they took for their actions, but I won't forget it. Now, I'm not religious, but I am almost certain that things happen for one reason or another.

A penny for your thoughts, anyone?

Author Profile: Drew

This author has published 1 articles so far. More info about the author is coming soon.

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0 #2 RE: Is There Something Wrong With Me? Or Am I Just (insert witty adjective)? — Warlock 2010-11-07 20:17

Thank you. I lack the capacity to feel much, but I do feel some gratitude and relief to know that I'm not the only one who knows these kind of things.

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-1 #1 RE: Is There Something Wrong With Me? Or Am I Just (insert witty adjective)? — Marla-may 2010-11-05 04:17

Just a thought but have you done any research on PTSD you have a few symptom is seems, you, like me tend to veer off subject I bet you think constantly its like when you sleep you still think about something or anything the fact that you're blunt well that is what it is I'm the same way My husbands says that i have no tact and couth I also think that you probably feel like your emotions are a liability and if you don't have them then it kinda makes you the ultimate survivor emotions are hard and you really should face them maybe talking to a therapist would help answer some questions sorry if I've offended you here I am not a doctor and I cannot tell you that you have something just an observation have a good one :)

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