Story Peeps Change Lives

Good vs Erie

Written by Melana

I hate my life right now and I want to be totally selfish and leave my home; my home, where my mother and our five pets reside and depend on me. A home that was easy to come by, financially, and surrounded by beautiful evergreen trees… a place I have lived for the last four years inside of a broken-down recreational vehicle.

It is where I do a little gardening, watch a little TV, and enjoy the food benefits granted to me by the state of Oklahoma. It is where I currently am reminded of what a total mess I’ve made of my life due to having ADHD, Depression, and Social Anxieties.

I am 45, unmarried, and have never had children –I would say, “thank God” but I’m still on the fence about religion. I hate my life because I have screwed myself out of everything I truly need and want. I’ve lost count of how many mistakes I’ve made and how many times I’ve started over with a great new idea.

Funny thing is that I am not suicidal. I should be, but I am not. I’m jobless, I’m getting old and too ugly to attract a man anymore, I can’t finish anything, I have no capital, and I’m sitting here pouring my guts out to a stinking computer. How pathetic is that?

I deactivated my Facebook account because none of my “friends” really gave a big rats behind about me. I am wondering now how long I am going to continue to feel sorry for myself before I get up off of my rear and get back on the horse. Seems that every time I get back on though, I fall again and I am sick of trying -my latest idea is to run off to Erie, Pennsylvania and work as a volunteer. Just to feel better about myself and make a difference somewhere.

I want to be someplace where no one knows my past, and no one knows I am taking antidepressants. I need a break from being the good daughter (or the burden?) and being the caretaker of a place that I loathe. What’s my big secret? I want to raise a couple of hundred dollars on eBay and hit the road for a couple of months. Perhaps when I return to my home, I will appreciate more, what is good, and what is my place.

Author Profile: Gidge

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