Story Peeps Change Lives

What He Did To Me

Written by casey

This is my life so far first, I’m 27 male married here goes, When I was 4 maybe 5 my same sex cousin started molesting me. When I was about 6 or 7 I started molesting my best friend that turned into a relationship. I loved him so much it was unhealthy, anyway the cousin that molested me stopped suddenly. When I turned 12 or 13. I think I liked it, he made me feel special and loved. He treated me pretty good, never hurt me or raped me. He never even threatened me to not tell. When the molester stopped I felt unloved and betrayed, so being depressed I tried to kill myself for the first time. I didn't know much about anything at the time so I took like 60 or 70 aspirin and drank some beers. It was weird because the next day when I woke up I felt so alive and just... great. Not so much when I started vomiting later that day.

The "friend" and I were together till I was about 17 very long term. He started seeing women when we were about 12 or 13. It hurt me bad to see him with her, I hated her and being depressed again I tried to kill myself for the second time. This time I got my dad’s old revolver and put it to my right temple and pulled the trigger. I still remember the loud click the trigger made when it hit home, but for some reason the bullet didn't discharge. I decided to look at it like it was a second chance and it was for the best, I decided it was time to get away from him. One day I just up and left and stopped calling and he didn't understand why. His mom died about a week later so I was forced to come back into his life. I never told him how it hurt so much to see them together, how much he hurt my heart, and never really got the closure I wanted.

I met my future wife when I was 18. I had never been with a woman. We got together and been pretty happy. We've been together for about 9 years and married for 3, well she’s went to jail for some dumb stuff, we were forced to move back home till everything gets caught up. We have no job, no money you know that whole sad story people tell. We've lost everything.

Well my "friend" still lives next door and recently he’s found out that I’ve moved back home. It made me want a booty call. It’s not the first time I’ve cheated. It is, however, the first time since I’ve been married. I’ll always love him. Up until he broke my heart I would have died for him, just laid down and died, I still love him. He’s got a girlfriend and I'm married. I know he’s toxic. He drinks like a fish and does drugs. Just all around bad. I love my wife a lot but she doesn’t know me like he does.

I think I'm addicted to sex because I crave it. I'm really a whore in the time between leaving him and meeting her, I would go to rest areas and find a stranger to have sex with. I know how that sounds but there is nothing like the thrill of being out in the open with a chance of getting caught it almost makes you high, the orgasm is better and just ...wow...  am I a bad person?

I'm depressed and those old strong feelings of death and sweet release keep coming back. I try to push them away and put them back in the bottle but the cork is old. I'm scared that one day I won’t be able to push them away anymore and on that darkest of days I’ll listen to those voices. I was younger before and now I'm older and have the means to do it. I can get the pills or a gun and so on. I just feel so sad and alone I’ve never felt so helpless, scared and powerless. Shrinks cost money I do not have and it’s easier to talk to strangers on line. I don't like that whole face to face thing.  Am I a bad person? I have cheated but we were not married. I really do love my wife and our 9 years have been happy until we lost everything. When she went to jail   I realized that I'm totally lost without her. I know I’d be fine without her. But still feel lost without her. Mental illness runs in my family pretty strong on dads side and I'm scared I have one that's not surfaced. People tell me I'm crazy and I’m starting to believe...

 My cousin doesn't talk to our part of the family, I guess it’s from shame. I think it’s for the best. I don't know how I would react if I seen him. Looking back now I wish I had told him no. I wish I hadn't done that to my friend. I often wonder what my life would be like if it never happened.  

Author Profile: casey

This author has published 6 articles so far. More info about the author is coming soon.

Comments  

 

+1 #4 moving on — caseyneopets 2011-03-09 09:16

my wife and i have never been better i know i like men and im bi so ill have to be extra safe and keep her in the dark i dont want her knowing she would leave me and i love her o much for that oh and so eveyone knows i havent cheated on her in like 3 or 4 months and if i can controll myself i wont do it anymore cept the computer

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+2 #3 Accept It — Karl 2010-10-30 15:37

I think you should just accept the fact that you are Bisexual, forget your former lover and meet some new guys to whom you could share some really great times.

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+1 #2 dont worry — tt192563 2010-10-07 06:29

you are fine, i go to rest areas and bathrooms all the time! its so fun!

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+1 #1 RE: What He Did To Me — toni reyno 2010-09-28 08:09

it sounds as though you are a really nice guy who happens to need to talk to a therapist. i was thinking that maybe you could go and apply for medicaid, and they will pay for counseling. that or go to your local mental health facility and tell them you are thinking about taking your life, and they will keep you there for 72 hours- and apply for medicaid or some kind of insurance for you for free.good luck

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