Story Peeps Change Lives

Hate Can Be Poisonous

Written by Kobra000

About 10 years ago I met the girl I would become a man with, at least in the physical sense, it wasn’t the greatest relationship, we fought all the freaking time and about stupid stuff really, Then one night she takes a trip about 4 hours away and doesn’t call me for 4 days to let me know she’s ok, and this chick at one time found a way to call me all the way from some back water town in Mexico that was almost straight out of the 1800s just to say she loves me.

For 4 days I sit and wonder, its so messed up how little control you have over your own mind.4 days of total paranoia, jealousy, anger and hurt, cause in those 4 days i found out that the guy she introduced as her cousin was actually her ex boyfriend.

Finally on the night of the 4th day I see her cruising past my house in her aunts car and run to my phone and call her like 50 times, when she finally answers; the only thing she says is "its over" and couldn’t give me a real or honest reason why, and still wont to this day, I later found out that she did indeed hook up with the guy that was supposed to be her cousin.

She was my first GF ever so I took the betrayal and the breakup pretty bad, started drinking and doing drugs just to block out the feelings and thoughts of her, but all the while delving into this dark dark world of hating her and wishing all kinds of bad stuff on her and fantasizing about pain being inflicted on her. Things only demons dream of.

It actually scared me but comforted me in some odd way, thinking about things like her being strapped to table and slow cut hundreds of times, or being doused with gasoline and set a blaze, eviscerated, mutilated, disarticulated to the furthest extreme. I dreamt about her being held down and her face slowly cut deeply thousands of times alot,... really really bad stuff. The more I hated her the worse the fantasies got, but the more I found it to be a pretty effective coping tool to block out all the hurt I was feeling just like the drugs and booze. But it was weird at the same time, I still loved her, still longed to be with her and almost every day for 3 years after she ended it, wished she would come back somehow.

But after a while my brain kinda went on autopilot, start doing the fantasies automatically it got so bad that I started getting physically sick, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep cause I had such horrible nightmares, like I was being controlled by this dark world, then I made the conscious effort to stop, to break the habit I didn’t break the hatred I felt for her, but I did stop fantasizing about pain being inflicted on her.

Then one night 3 and a half years later she instant messages me and wants to talk, just right out of the blue, I’m still caring around alot of negativity for her, so the conversation wasn’t pleasant, Hate for someone is like a fire, it eventually goes out. Later that night she came over and we sat down and talked ,she wouldn’t admit to porking that guy, but did say one of the reasons she left was to start her life as a independent person, which I still think is a lie I think she left cause she was to afraid to admit to me that she cheated. Later that night I learned that you really can’t trust anyone in this life, yourself included. We talked for a long time, reminiscing about the past and how we felt, then before I know it I’m inside her banging her doggystyle. That night was weird for me ,the years before were like being on a emotional bungee cord that when stretched plummeted all the way to the lowest depths of hell over and over again, but that night it was broke, I got to say what I wanted ,both good and very very bad, and when she left I felt almost cleansed and new in some way.

Hatred can be a full time job that you don’t get paid for, but it also can be a poison just as strong and as real as cyanide or ricin. It may sound campy, corny, or like straight up BS, but forgiveness can be a really good thing sometimes. if your at that point where nothing else takes the pain of loosing that someone you loved,dont go the hate route,try to forgive them and slowly the pain will ease.hey what have you got to loose by trying?

Author Profile: Keith brando

This author has published 8 articles so far. More info about the author is coming soon.