Story Peeps Change Lives

Am I In Denial?

Written by Jan Cottrell

The guilt I have carried over the last year has caused me anguish like I have never experienced before.  9 years ago, after 21 years of marriage, I found my husband having an on-line affair.  A few months later I came home from work early and found him in bed with his new on line friend.  The reality of that verified what I feared for a long time.  After our divorce was finalized I learned that he purposely got caught by me in bed with his girl friend.(he since has left her and 2 others before re-marrying).

I raised his daughter from a previous marriage and our own daughter for the next 6 years.  No time or desire to have a man in my life.  Then I started on-line dating myself.  I was terrified until I met a few men.  The idea of non-committed sex with a relative stranger was just so satisfying.  I couldn't seem to get enough.  I would meet new men, date them once or twice and go to bed with them.  Before developing any feelings towards them I would drop them and move on to the next.  It is like I became addicted and needed the rush of casual sex.

Then in late summer of 08 I met the man of my dreams.  He is the most honest, good hearted gentleman(actually a little dorky) I have ever met.  He loves me more than life itself.  I could not believe that someone could love me so much as he did.  Trouble is that he lives in a neighboring state about 250 miles away.  He would come down to be with me at least one weekend a month.  I went to stay with him about 3 weekends during our relationship.  His love for me was so great he was willing to give up his home, summer cottage, job, friends, family and his life to come and live with me. 

On Valentines day of last year he surprised me with an unannounced visit and he got the shock of his life as he found me on my couch making love to someone I had just met on line.  He was devastated.  I broke his heart.  Even after all I put him through he was still willing to forget my past.  I turned him down and stopped all contact with him because of the guilt I carry.  But, I cannot stop.  I wonder if in some way I am subconsciously getting revenge on my ex husband.  It has gotten to the stage that even my closest friends are keeping their distance from me.  What can and should I do?  Can I ever make it up to the man who loves me so much?  Or am I doomed to die a bitter old lady all alone?

Author Profile: Jan Cottrell

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0 #1 Re-Am I In Denial? — 4me2know 2011-01-15 10:38

You're not doomed to anything you don't want to be. You are not a slave to your choices, but you will always reap the results of them whatever they are, good, bad or indifferent. You talked about how much this guy loves you, but you never said anything about your love for him. If you don't love him the same way he loves you, then you will most likely continue in the same behavior. I do understand the rush that comes with new sex partners, but unless you can find a guy who is open to this and okay with it, you may end up lonely and empty in the long run.

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