Story Peeps Change Lives

New pains from old hurts

Written by Keith brando

I've never been considered a romeo,cassonova or anything of a loverboy,hell most girls wouldnt even consider me boyfreind material,so i have resigned myself to the fact that being with someone and realtionships are not going to be a prevalent thing in my life,some people just dont have the skillset.But along time ago there was one,to me the only one.Now im not exactly a cherry or a greenhorn,ive had my share of one night hookups and drunken mistakes that leave you empty and dirty feeling,but really only 1 serious realtionship 2 if you count "being" with someone for 19 months in an online realtionship.

This chick that I will call.Nicolette from here on in,she was my first,in almost every aspect,not my very first love,but my very first resprocated love.I met her as a hook up through my sister,I was 22 and a a virgin (judge if you want i couldnt care less).and before her i was thoroughly convinced i would never ever be with anyone,that i was something that was not a part of the human race,defective and useless.But then one day she appears as if out of thin air as if it were,and all of a sudden i have a girl interested in me,an alien but exciting concept that i really didnt know what to do with. I basically followed her lead and before i knew it my life had gone from being linear and predictable daily routine of seclusion in books,models,the internet and video games to having a car,drivers liscense,being sexually active,and having someone tell me they love me,it was a feeling i had never felt before and for the first time in my life i felt normal and worth something,a function member of the human race at last! It was great being with her,laying there at night holding each other and talking about the future,things we would like to do as a couple,marriage,kids,living the typical american dream,..But i was oblivious to how long it would last,only 1 year from exact date to date.and as quickly as she came into my life she was gone... so quickly in fact it felt as if she had died almost,leaving me in a hellish world of unanswered questions,constant torment,pain,anguish,and jealousy. I had never felt worse in my entire life,i quickly took to hating her,cause honestly it felt better than missing her to the point of abdominal pains and constant nausia.I was constantly tormented by own mind,not understanding why she she ended it so abruptly and took off so fast with no real solid explination and the reasons she gave just sounded like completely BS and constantly reliving our days together. .I simply had chalked it up to her finding a new toy and trading me in..I took to drugs and drinking fiercly in an attempt to numb and drown her memory out,as well as the feelings of both intense hatred and intense love for her. I didnt come out of my room for almost 100 days after she broke it off, just sat in the dark till i became thin and emaciated and  my skin turned pastey white and only then did i come out to use the bathroom and go get more booze and drugs,and when i did,nothing had any reality to it,everything was colorless,tasteless,insubstantial and boring,I self harmed repeatedly cause the physicall pain was more tolerable and i could define it more easily than the emotional and mental pain i was enduring constantly, Id do stupid stuff like take my car up to 90 and 100mph around corners on country roads hopeing that id somehow wreck and hopefully get killed.Id once grabbed a live electrical line that knocked me out for 30 minutes straight and forced my parents to call an ambulance for me.After a freind narced me out to my father about the self harm and wreckless behavior i was forced to see a counselor,but i couldnt talk to them cause you cant fully disclose things like suicidal thoughts and actions to them cause they will just lock you up then,so that didnt last very long.

It took alot of effort to try and get over her,little by little,stage after stage,the hurt,the hatred,the anger,the memories. I saw here and there in the town we live in but was always venomous and rude to her,using personal secrets and things she had told me in confidence to try and hurt her feelings as bad as i could.

In 2004 I got online one night and she messaged me just out of the blue,I was my typical mean and venomous self to her,but she pleaded with me not to be and for some reason I just gave it up that night..all the negativity.and it felt good to do so.like a weight that had been holding me down firmly was suddenly released.We talked and that night i was allowed to release all the feelings i had for her both negative and positive,and that night it felt as if the emotional bungee cord had been cut! and i was no longer bouncing between hevan and hell.though it was a cathartic and theraputic night that night,it didnt quite quell everything.

Up until a few weeks ago i hadnt seen her since that late night in late 04,and while running some errands i ran into her working at a store i frequent.Seeing her again still makes my heart race and makes my arms want to reach out hold her tight.We have began a freindship,something i never thought would happen or  I ever thought i could tolerate being in with her.11 years have gone by since the night she broke it off with me,and i feel as if ive climbed a 1,000,000 foot mountain trying to get over her. Life has granted her marriage and children things that when i first found out about affected be heavily, I cried for about an hour and a half when i first found out she had gotten married and had children.something we had talked about in at great length when we were together.I've been struggling greatly for the past few weeks as old feelings i thought were long since buried and dead come floating to the surface. I see her and talk to her from often now,but its just so wierd how you can go from someone somebody said they loved more than anything in this world to just simply someone they used to know and all that time and feeling and whatnot can just be forgotten about. like flipping off a swtich.

I havnt dated anyone since her,been sexual with a few girls,but it wasnt anything i wanted or am proud of. I mean I have tried to date others since her, but its next to impossiable,I cant connect with other girls,they ultimately end up having no qualities I like or I wont allow myself to feel anything for them and certainly wont allow myself to care for them.and i constantly have to keep myself in check and not allow anything out at all. I often fear that i will never be able to care for someone again for fear of being abandoned with the same emotional level and attachment one would have taking out a bag of trash. again.i dont want to be alone but it seems to be the safest course of action..cause honestly i dont think i could survive being hurt that way again.though i am older,wider,and more battle scared and hardened now...even the toughest walls crack and crumble.

So now i talk with her and listen to her as a freind would,all the while enduring her obliviousness and benality to what i felta dn i guess still feel for her.She talks of screwing other guys while being so un apologetic about it.Shes defended the position for the past 11 years that she didnt cheat on me,and that she left cause she was young,naive,and not ultimately not ready for the things we talked about and dreamed of. a conveient and half ass set of reasons if you ask me.even though most of the "dreams" we shared were hers to begin with.

And now i sit a cynical,jaded,misanthropic person that feels so very old at the age of 33.and i think of my future and i get this horriable,gut wrenching pain that it is something that isnt worth to see.I struggle for ways to redifine myself and reinvent myself,but i always fall back into old patterns of thinking and behvior.I've been in recovery for Alchoholics and Drug abuse for years now.I dont miss it all that much cause in truth it just made me feel worse.I just want something i can get her out of my head with,just to completely forget about her and everything we ever shared,did,talked about,experienced or knew together,just every single little detail.I think i might be a new person if that could happen.

Author Profile: Keith brando

This author has published 8 articles so far. More info about the author is coming soon.

Comments  

 

0 #3 The Secret — Ktone 2011-09-02 17:09

Quoting kobra000:

Thanks man,i appreciate that.

can you tell me more about "the secret"? it sounds very interesting.
thanks.
Kobra000

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0 #2 trying — kobra000 2011-09-02 12:37

Thanks man,i appreciate that.

I do try to keep that thought it my head that i will eventually meet someone else,, haven't in 11 years except for crazy chicks and whatnot lol.But sometimes when your down that's all you know an are accustomed to and looking up just doesn't seem worth it.But,ill keep trying.

can you tell me more about "the secret"? it sounds very interesting.

thanks.

Kobra000

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0 #1 Been there — Ktone 2011-08-26 11:22

I've dated someone for 5 years and then we broke up. Your story kinda reminds me of me. I'm also your age.

I eventually met someone on Match.com and got married myself recently. The girl that I fell in love with from before got pregnant and that was my que to finally move on.

I also had a few meangless relationships/1 night stands after her but nothing substantial....

I wish for you to find someone else... But you can't keep this attitude that you're a lump on a rock. No lady is attracted to a guy that doesn't have self confidence.

Start of with a wish, hope, that you will meet someone who loves you again and if you maintain that hope/wish, you will eventually meet someone. For me that is what I did... And I did also take action and turned to match.com.

BTW> Believe it or not I believe in "The Secret", We attract things to each other based on our personal thoughts and feelings...

Good luck My Brother!

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